It's wonderful.

I've has some time to reflect lately (yeap, I actually do). And realised that I've made a tonne of mistakes along the way. We're all human, who hasn't? I suppose so but some mistakes I can never take back. Some words that can't be unsaid and some actions which can't be undone. I've got a fair share of both qualities.

Today after a harsh talk with dad on the phone, I ended up with nothing but a shirt full of snot, eyes so puffed up, I could hardly see, and my first "vein pop" on my temples. It was a feeling unlike any other as I took in the lecture from him. It was a normal lecture: I'm not putting family first, I think the world is so free and easy, I don't know how to behave like an adult etc ... Ultimately, he told me he failed as a father. I don't think I paid any more attention after those words and everything else became a blur to me. Luckily for me, I had a boyfriend who was with me at the time who helped ease the sobbing a little with words of comfort and a hug thrown in once in a while. Nonetheless, the damage was done.

As the day progressed, I couldn't concentrate much on my tasks as more unfortunate events took place which I will not talk about here. By the time I got into bed (which was 20 minutes ago), my head was on fire and my eyes were still as puffed up as they were in the afternoon. It made me realise a lot today how humans really are, creatures of hatred, power hungriness, revenge and spite as well as the love for making assumptions about others before getting the full picture. I thought it through. I used to be the kind of person who could "see good in everything" and that there always was a logical explanation for some things. I was proven wrong on many occasions these past few months by those who I deemed closest to me. Parents, friends, old flames, "exes" and so on. As good, as a person is, they never really are, there's always a hidden agenda behind every fake smile. I'm no angel either. I've done my fair share of lies, cheating and revengeful habits to understand how these traits appear in humans. I've lied many times. There were times, when I would feel that my very existence was a lie. Everything was an excuse or a white lie just to "make things convenient". Eventually two things happened. One was, I got caught. When you lie too much, a lie breeds another lie and another and sooner or later, you get lost trying to keep up with your own lies.

Another was that I got tired playing the game. I was tired of making up new lies. I was too stressed out to deal with the consequences of the lies and just gave up. I wasn't getting any benefit in the end. It all came back to haunt me and I suppose this was my fault. I started the lies, I might as well pay for it now.

I also discovered today how my parents really thought of me. Needless to say, I was less than happy to know that I was severely underestimated and not thought highly of. Which to me was a strange discovery seeing as I am sure I've done everything in my power to be the daughter they wanted, despite some shortcomings such as punctuality. I'm Malaysian, get over it. LOL. I did everything they'd ask, drove them wherever they needed to go, waited hours for them when they had meetings and places to go and did not wanna be alone. I take care of my sister the best way I can and have a strong relationship with her and all that stuff. Yet, I still find myself at the shallow end of the appreciation pool. After a while, I decided that I didn't need it anymore. I don't want their approval anymore. I don't need to seek out for it anymore. If they cannot practice what they preach then I don't think I owe them any favours. I don't find myself in that state of mind where I'd have to prove myself to them anymore. I'm done with it and if they cannot accept it, then I'm only sorry I can't do more. Oh yeah, Dad did mention my sorry's meant nothing to him as well. LOL. So, I'm sorry that I'm sorry :D

I accept my mistakes with an open heart and hope that I move on to a better place after this. I do not expect everyone I've hurt to fall down on their knees and accept my apologies or whatnot. I don't need it anymore. I'm just happy to be myself now and just go with my flow if people like it or not. If it earns me more enemies along the way, I'm OK with it because now I will be hated for being me rather than being fake. And that means a whole lot more to me.