What I want more than anything else now is peace of mind. I need to lie down at night and say to myself, alright ... enough is enough and drift into a dreamless sleep. Or I don't know, perhaps if I dream of you today, it'll help me to get through tomorrow.

Perhaps this is the only reason this person ever came into my life. To teach me how to endure such obstacles (aka shit la)



Suddenly I crave the sudden silence of waking up in the morning in the cold weather under a thick quilt just listening to the sound of nothingness. I only ever got that in Australia. Sleeping in the basement in TN doesn't count. Anyway, I miss that feeling of knowing your whole day is just planned by others. You have no commitments but just to show up at the breakfast table and put on a (fake) smile on your face. Just enjoying the stillness and the slow creaking of wooden floorboards. It just gave me that inner peace with myself albeit the boredom that usually followed.

I miss the cold breeze on my face (which kind of hurt but oh well) and just slowly making my way around the house/street. People who passed me by always smiled or said something pleasant which obviously means a lot more if you appreciate the finer things in life. I wish I hadn't complained so much while I was there (and yet if you put me in the same position now, I probably would again). I miss going out with the family and forgetting that there is hurt elsewhere in the world just waiting for me to return. Those evenings spent in the parks or just wandering around the roads of Melbourne. I miss you so much.



I wish I had more patience for things but I know it wouldn't be like me anyway. I wish I had never done a lot of things I did. But yes, life is meant to teach you it's lessons and it's up to you when you choose to learn them.

I just wish the most painful of all didn't have to come so fast.

Because some things I'll never learn.

If I was a tear, I’d be born in your eye. I’d live on your cheek and then I would die on your lips.

— Darius Danesh

how depressing. lol. ah last.fm.

by alison.

I'm sick of this. How words affect someone so much I don't know.

via

Just do something random and spontaneous. Be nicer. Know who you're talking to, don't fucking push me aside and TREAT ME BETTER!

post edited out of pure spite and hatred.

Time really just flies by when you're having a real blast or are occupied with something interesting. How is it that it slows down tremendously when you're idle and rather put out? It's as if the human psyche has the ability to just reach out and push the minute hand back a little further should it decide to speed up.

I think my parentals are on the brink of telling me I've been disappearing a lot these days (when really, I'll only be gone for about 6 hours.) and coming home really late. I do appreciate they allow me the freedom to go out with friends and hang out but when they leave me comments which make me feel so guilty each time I leave the house, it's hardly worth the trip anymore to be honest. I'll be sitting with a bunch of people when my phone starts going off with texts of the Who's Why's When's and Where's. After I told them all of those details before I left, they still find the need to ask me again. I don't understand.

I don't think it'll ever change the moment I hit 21 either. Everyone tells me "hey once you turn 21, your folks won't stop you or anything." I beg to differ. I doubt things will be any different unless someone confronts the other on this matter soon. The thing is, I'm not asking to come home at 4AM and stumble in the door drunk with a ciggy in my mouth or anything. I just need the freedom to not have to ASK permission every time I go somewhere. I need the freedom to just say I'm going somewhere and I might be back a little depending on the situation. I'm honestly not out there partying my face off or anything (if you know me well you'll definitely know this) and whatnot. I'd just like to hang out with my friends a little later than the usual Cinderella time frame of midnight. Not only that but God forbid I'm home half an hour later than I said I'd be, everyone throws a fit and then get all pissy at me.

I wonder if they remember I used to live out on my own for a whole year without any parental supervision and I didn't die as you might have noticed. Why do they freak their pants off now? If they had gone bonkers while I was away, I'd have understood but I don't get their issue now. *sighs* Well, perhaps I'm not meant to. Parents have their own level of thinking. One probably cannot understand their logic until one becomes a parent themselves.

I don't have any problems with them not telling me to not go out but when they give me stupid reasons not to, it pisses me off.



1. You've been going out everyday lately = I've only gone out 3 out of 7 days in a week.
2. You're always out so late every time = I'm always home by 12 or half past at most.
3. You and your friends are probably out drinking or something = PLEASE, give me a breathalyzer test every time I come home. Please.
4. You smell like an ashtray, have you been smoking? = I happen to go to a uni where almost everyone and their aunts smoke. Not to mention I visit homes of friends who smoke. Doesn't make me a smoker.
5. I called you 3 times and you didn't answer me. Don't be pissed cause you can't go out = I had my headphones on and I couldn't hear you. What the hell?

I'll never understand.

Mum and Dad, I really don't know what you want from me anymore. When I'm around, I'm blamed for things. When I'm not around, I get yelled at. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?! I cannot take this anymore. I can't even stay in my own room before you tell me off for locking myself up all day.


I think I should say this one day to you. But ...



Everything is just so messed up right now. It'll calm down in an hour but for now, it's intense and painful. Why do they have to react in such a way to me? I wanna leave but I can't even do that!

Very confused now. That's what's going on in my mind. How is it you're so different one way from another. You're the same person! Alison thinks too much.

[/random]

How do you go out for a night of fun, only to come back feeling like uber shit?
That is some messed up shit.

x


x


(ah shit.)




















:(






(probably the one that hit me the most)

the rest are from i can read

x

Tonight
We'll settle this tonight
For every single minute that
We anger
Burn me to your side

Believe
That every drop you bleed
Could never ever santuate
The hunger that eats away at me

So release me
Release me
Just release me
Outside


x

The line
I'm stretched and open wide
Has thrown me to this
Ever constant darkness
Keep secrets I can't hide

So release me
Release me
Just release me
Outside

What is done
Can never change
And all your words just make this harder
Faithless martyr

Who has lost so much along the way
His bloodied hands can not escape this
But I can't take this anymore


x

Release me
Release me
Just release me
Outside
Release me
Release me
Just release me
Outside

- Outside / The Age of Information

source

So ... as I run headfirst into this new (and very unfamiliar) chapter in life, I'm going to hope for the best and take things really slow. I'm so scared I cannot even begin to imagine.

The end is near (and apparently so is Zach Levi)
Everything needs to whiz by now. I'm sick of it all.

source

Truthfully, I feel that I'm moving on from this phase of my life. It couldn't have come at a better time anyway. I'm done doing what I do now because I know it's not my life and it probably never will be. This isn't my lifestyle. All I do is 'go with the flow' because sometimes I don't know what I really want. One the one hand, I'm really glad these past few months turned out the way they did but I'm ready to put it behind me. Things that used to interest me don't really do the trick so much anymore.

Perhaps it's because recent events have led me to realise that I need a reality check. Sometimes the things you really want in life will never be because it's simply impossible. Yes, I believe in 'Impossible' because I need to be realistic every now and then. Or, another reason for me to believe this is that I will probably achieve what I want now later in life. It's still too early now to end up with a particular vision in mind when there's still so much out there to learn and discover. I'm just waiting for that right moment because I know it's not now.

Yes, emo spaz. Either that, or because it's the weekend, and I'm not with the same people I'm with on weekdays, I get that withdrawal period or something lol.

source

I don't know what to think but I have a theory that those of us who weren't as comfortable in school while we had friends to hang out with a lot, only did it because it was the best we could? I mean perhaps we were only friends because no one else would click with us even though we had almost nothing in common and all. What if, in the real world we would have never been friends at all and the only reason why we bother about each other now is because we have no choice but to? Did we all become friends solely because we had no choice? Because I don't feel as myself among old friends anymore than I do with people I hardly know.

I could be paranoid and wrong about it ... but what if I'm not?

source

Though I cannot stay angry at you for a long time and will eventually laugh this off, I have never felt more alone in my life knowing that even a perfect stranger can be closer to me than my own friend.

Might I say WOT?! What records and photos? Why does it have to happen on the only day I'm NOT in uni? This is crap.