I was just looking at old pictures of myself (in a non narcissistic way but more in a critical way). And Oh. My. God. The befores and afters! Behold:










OH FOR GODS SAKE LOL
I need to go show Ziad/Mum this to hand them a good laugh >=D

Been feeling a little, Aussie sick lately. I do miss the smells, sounds, and cool breezes as you walk down Melbourne City. Don't know why. I do know that when I actually do get there, I start to complain and yearn to come home. However, I never get tired of arriving in Tullamarine and walking out to the cold chilled air.



Walking down the riverside



Sitting on the back porch in the evenings while blasting music in my ear + massive family reunions (LOL this one is optional)



Homemade sushi + getting closer to nature



Meeting so many furry friends! This is something I wish Malaysia had but alas, people would indeed freak out and owners are less responsible here too ... when you doo-doo you clean the poo-poo :D + Walking around the city during Christmas week!

I've has some time to reflect lately (yeap, I actually do). And realised that I've made a tonne of mistakes along the way. We're all human, who hasn't? I suppose so but some mistakes I can never take back. Some words that can't be unsaid and some actions which can't be undone. I've got a fair share of both qualities.

Today after a harsh talk with dad on the phone, I ended up with nothing but a shirt full of snot, eyes so puffed up, I could hardly see, and my first "vein pop" on my temples. It was a feeling unlike any other as I took in the lecture from him. It was a normal lecture: I'm not putting family first, I think the world is so free and easy, I don't know how to behave like an adult etc ... Ultimately, he told me he failed as a father. I don't think I paid any more attention after those words and everything else became a blur to me. Luckily for me, I had a boyfriend who was with me at the time who helped ease the sobbing a little with words of comfort and a hug thrown in once in a while. Nonetheless, the damage was done.

As the day progressed, I couldn't concentrate much on my tasks as more unfortunate events took place which I will not talk about here. By the time I got into bed (which was 20 minutes ago), my head was on fire and my eyes were still as puffed up as they were in the afternoon. It made me realise a lot today how humans really are, creatures of hatred, power hungriness, revenge and spite as well as the love for making assumptions about others before getting the full picture. I thought it through. I used to be the kind of person who could "see good in everything" and that there always was a logical explanation for some things. I was proven wrong on many occasions these past few months by those who I deemed closest to me. Parents, friends, old flames, "exes" and so on. As good, as a person is, they never really are, there's always a hidden agenda behind every fake smile. I'm no angel either. I've done my fair share of lies, cheating and revengeful habits to understand how these traits appear in humans. I've lied many times. There were times, when I would feel that my very existence was a lie. Everything was an excuse or a white lie just to "make things convenient". Eventually two things happened. One was, I got caught. When you lie too much, a lie breeds another lie and another and sooner or later, you get lost trying to keep up with your own lies.

Another was that I got tired playing the game. I was tired of making up new lies. I was too stressed out to deal with the consequences of the lies and just gave up. I wasn't getting any benefit in the end. It all came back to haunt me and I suppose this was my fault. I started the lies, I might as well pay for it now.

I also discovered today how my parents really thought of me. Needless to say, I was less than happy to know that I was severely underestimated and not thought highly of. Which to me was a strange discovery seeing as I am sure I've done everything in my power to be the daughter they wanted, despite some shortcomings such as punctuality. I'm Malaysian, get over it. LOL. I did everything they'd ask, drove them wherever they needed to go, waited hours for them when they had meetings and places to go and did not wanna be alone. I take care of my sister the best way I can and have a strong relationship with her and all that stuff. Yet, I still find myself at the shallow end of the appreciation pool. After a while, I decided that I didn't need it anymore. I don't want their approval anymore. I don't need to seek out for it anymore. If they cannot practice what they preach then I don't think I owe them any favours. I don't find myself in that state of mind where I'd have to prove myself to them anymore. I'm done with it and if they cannot accept it, then I'm only sorry I can't do more. Oh yeah, Dad did mention my sorry's meant nothing to him as well. LOL. So, I'm sorry that I'm sorry :D

I accept my mistakes with an open heart and hope that I move on to a better place after this. I do not expect everyone I've hurt to fall down on their knees and accept my apologies or whatnot. I don't need it anymore. I'm just happy to be myself now and just go with my flow if people like it or not. If it earns me more enemies along the way, I'm OK with it because now I will be hated for being me rather than being fake. And that means a whole lot more to me.

chescanotcheska

Having a rather slow day today which is all well. I like this pace than the normal running about. Had a good day yesterday. Went to see my grandmother and got some house chores done for her. Then took an impromptu drive to see my granduncle in Bukit Damansara. Lovely area but the security is way too tight ... which is a good thing if you're a resident there I suppose. Then came home, slugged off to the gym, took a drive to Cyber to see Ziad and hung out there for a bit. Had a nice chat with him over dinner. Came back to Subang to see Bushan for his birthday dinner with Aroon/Luke/Jackie/Kendrick/Kugen and Zhi Wei. By the time I got back it was 1.30AM and I was sure Mum would be waiting for me by the door with an axe in her hand. Thankfully, she was sound asleep and I proceeded to stay up the entire night facebooking, chatting, playing stupid neopet games (fail) and just being restless in general.

Had a busy week if you consider the mundane routine of driving to the gym and back in shit hours of the morning because of mum's nagging and then handling house chores a busy task. The occasional outings to see friends for dinner or the trips down to Cyberjaya to see Ziad kept me sane in these last weeks of my short lived holiday.

However, I have sadly come to the end of my financial package aka allowance of the month and I am subjected to house arrest until I can come up with some cash myself or steal/borrow/negotiate with the parents. Sadly my allowance (as sick as it is for a 20 year old to say) has been reduced by a cool RM100 because of the holidays which means less trips to Cyberjaya so I find myself a little frustrated with my day to day dealings. Not as many chances to go to the mamak or to just take drives as I like. This is probably the few reasons why I like Uni season.

Went to the Bon Odori (which wikipedia describes as a Japanese Buddhist custom to honor the departed (deceased) spirits of one's ancestors) festival with Kavi and Looi last Saturday (or was it Sunday ... I forget) at the Matsushita stadium. Parking was nonsense. Thank God I wasn't driving lol. I must have seen the whole Chinese population of Shah Alam + more from other places along with the Japanese expats in Malaysia turn up. Why, people were even parking in the nearby cemetery which was pretty darn awesome if you ask me lol.















It was fun as me and Kavi took the chance to dance along with the massive crowd on the field around the stage in the center. It was pretty awesome. I wouldn't mind doing it again next year.

Results have been released by Curtin and alas, I find myself severely fucked over as I haven't received my ID from them. Therefore, I have NO idea how I did in my most stressful semester yet. I am so pissed at both the Limkokwing and Curtin management for poor admin and management skills as they bullshit me with excuses of "we don't have your application with us" since I slugged my way to the office to fill up a 3 - 4 page form last semester. Motherfuckers. The lady from Curtin herself assured me everything would be fine. I'm already seeing results of my classmates and they aren't too pretty, so I can imagine what kind of shit I can expect to get myself.

Other than that, I am well thanks.

It's been a long week. I don't even remember what I've posted and what I haven't. I'll start off with Mum's birthday. As I was too broke (surprise) to get her anything, I made her a video compilation which was posted on facebook. So yeap. She was truly happy about it. I'm pleased with the outcome as well since it's my first time attempting to use Windows Movie Maker. Yep, it's about time eh? So that's that.

Attended a friend's wedding last weekend. Denise is now Mrs.Simeon. It was a great event save the hour long sermon/preach from the pastor which made the wedding feel more like a service rather than a union of two individuals. Oh well. She spoke a lot about herself and her personal connection to God as well as the dark side of marriage. Divorce/adultery/fornication etc and how much it's a no-no in Christianity. And all that ... I stopped listening after she made some nonsense statements about Australia's PM and it's nation lol.





Ziad and I went to Piccadilly's with Prakash to meet up with Christine and her bf Ivan, Aroon and the recently single and revengeful Bushan for the match between Argentina and Germany. There was no space at Piccadilly's so we walked down to Friends Cafe which was just as good IMO. Needless to say, I was the only Mannschaft fan at the table. But by the end of the 90 min match, I was the only one smiling while everyone else seethed with anger. Too bad I was driving so they had to be nice to me LOL.

Had an interview/chat with Kinetic (an advertising company) in Bangsar a few weeks back. And it looks pretty good from where I am that I will get a job when I graduate. It was a lovely location with small staff count as to avoid drama. They've handled plenty of accounts all over from Malaysia and Singapore. The people who work in it are also really friendly. I was recommended by Selena to her boss who called me in for the chat. She incidentally is the former colleague of Mum's churchmate Jenny, who used to work for OM (Ogilvy Mathers). Phew. I was also spoken to by a ST Lee from YR (Young and Rubicam) a week ago about a job which sadly I can't take as it's more to the PR side than creative, however my portfolio/resume has been sent to the HR dept. there for any future openings. Here's to hoping for a GREAT post grad job!