What I want more than anything else now is peace of mind. I need to lie down at night and say to myself, alright ... enough is enough and drift into a dreamless sleep. Or I don't know, perhaps if I dream of you today, it'll help me to get through tomorrow.

Wonder why I don't talk about my life much anymore. I notice it's just a constant flurry of images of various events in post after post. The occasional things-i-want-to-say-but-can't-so-i-let-tumblr-images-do-the-talking posts. That's pretty bleak. So let's talk about life and it's cards I've been handed lately.



First off, I've been trying so desperately to get healthier as of late. I know, crack a joke here for your own entertainment. I'm probably not doing a good job seeing as the scale still scorns at the sight of me BUT I have gotten some reassuring compliments from friends and family (most recently being my grandmother who is somewhat looks conscious who said "wow! you look better each time I see you Alison!") so I must be doing SOMETHING right. P.S I wouldn't eat that salad. It's just eww. I have my limits. Anyway, yes. Getting healthier has to take a front seat in my truck of priorities this year.



As far as university goes, I'm not VERY behind in work but I'm not the most diligent student you'll find walking around. I'm average I guess. I'm not panicking just yet but I probably will start soon. LOL. I always do. Still, on some days I have my doubts and wonder why I chose this path I'm on (education wise). I don't regret and never will. I'm having loads of fun but I just have that moment of when I sit down and go "huh, I wonder why I did this. I mean I was never particularly creative when I was in school." Perhaps I'm a late bloomer.



Everything else is working fine I guess. Family's doing good. Dad occasionally snaps at me and I'd sulk for a day, insulting him in all kinds of ways in my head but we'd eventually get over it. Mum's fine as well. She has her ups and downs as we all do. Michelle is entering that age when the term "social life" starts to play a part in her life. She's been hanging around friends a lot more lately which is good for her too I suppose.



In other aspects of the personal life, that's all going well too. Arguments, drama, fights, consolations (is that what you'd call it? LOL when you console someone?), feeling better afterward and just laughing it off. Obviously gaining new experiences is always fun. Getting familiar with families and whatnot. It's all so new to me but it's still something to enjoy at the end of the day even if it ends in tears. Somehow a smile follows ... after a day or two ... bah. But it's all still fun in it's own way. I learn new things about people and myself at the same time. On some days I just want to strangle myself and just leave all this crap behind and tell myself it's all not worth it. Just leave.

Then I'm reminded why I got into this in the first place. Nothing is all rainbows and butterflies except ... rainbows and butterflies. If shit happens, pat myself on the back and tell myself that I had the guts to try it out anyway. I at least owe myself that. People really have a way of looking inside you and just reaching in and just grabbing that thumping heart and are free to do whatever they want with it. Or well, that's just me anyway. I feel too much. Tell you something you don't know. LOL.



All in all, 2009 is shaping up to be a pretty alright year for me. There's been some tremendous lows but I love my highs. I achieved more than I thought I'd be able to in these last 9 months than what I gave myself credit for. My next mission: to find my spiritual self. Woozah!

Hmm, this is rather shit isn't it? I've made mistakes with quick judgement in the past. I don't intend to make one again ... but maybe I could be doing the wrong thing by not following my first instinct. I could also be making another if I do. *sigh* why does everything happen at the wrong times?

Truth be told though, there never is a good time for bad things to happen.

via

Mmm, damn I miss eating these. We had some in Australia in abundance due to my aunts neighbours tree which was overbearing with fruit. All we had to do was stand in the backyard and wait for them to fall. Lulz. August is rolling in, Spring will be here any time now.



Classes officially start tomorrow (actually, today) and I have no idea when or what my first class is. Uni decided to be a jackass and not release our timetable till Monday/today. And so I don't even know if it's in the afternoon or morning and I could be wasting my entire day away there. How useless.

Sad thing is, on the eve of my return to uni, my body decides to play a cruel prank and fall sick. I'm suffering a rather harsh cough and sorethroat and all I can hope out of it is that I gain an awesome deep scratchy voice ... because it sounds smexy. LOL. But really though, I really feel the need to get myself a mask for classes. I don't want to get any sicker and I don't wanna spread what I have too.

Another shitty thing is that my gag reflex has been on the fritz as of late. I occasionally feel the need to hurl and when in public, perhaps not a good feeling to go through. I blame the damn cough. Lovely timing la Alison.



Random. Just felt like it. Hallo baby me!

Sometimes I feel that it's not my place to ask such favours and commitments off people. I know they're willing to do what I request but it's not in my general nature to ask favours from anyone. So when something rather large like this is concerned, it sort of changes my views on things and understand that there are people out there who would do things for me.

It's like, who am I to make such demands from someone? They're willing to just drop all their plans and hop along on my journey. Not a lot of people would agree to such an idea so quickly. Over a span of time, minds and opinions change though.

I can only hope that my trust and loyalty can help so far because it'd be very disappointing to have everything fall into shambles before anything happens.

I really want this to work out but if it's all just a joke, I don't know what I'd do.

Perhaps this is the only reason this person ever came into my life. To teach me how to endure such obstacles (aka shit la)



Suddenly I crave the sudden silence of waking up in the morning in the cold weather under a thick quilt just listening to the sound of nothingness. I only ever got that in Australia. Sleeping in the basement in TN doesn't count. Anyway, I miss that feeling of knowing your whole day is just planned by others. You have no commitments but just to show up at the breakfast table and put on a (fake) smile on your face. Just enjoying the stillness and the slow creaking of wooden floorboards. It just gave me that inner peace with myself albeit the boredom that usually followed.

I miss the cold breeze on my face (which kind of hurt but oh well) and just slowly making my way around the house/street. People who passed me by always smiled or said something pleasant which obviously means a lot more if you appreciate the finer things in life. I wish I hadn't complained so much while I was there (and yet if you put me in the same position now, I probably would again). I miss going out with the family and forgetting that there is hurt elsewhere in the world just waiting for me to return. Those evenings spent in the parks or just wandering around the roads of Melbourne. I miss you so much.



I wish I had more patience for things but I know it wouldn't be like me anyway. I wish I had never done a lot of things I did. But yes, life is meant to teach you it's lessons and it's up to you when you choose to learn them.

I just wish the most painful of all didn't have to come so fast.

via

1. I'm addicted to tumblr, it's not funny.
2. The song Ya Ali has the potential for being stuck in my head just like Shakira's She Wolf.
3. I'm taking small steps to finally start changing my perspective of things and way of living.
4. Why do most Hindi songs have a violin filled beginning?
5. I miss driving to Uni alone just to get away and think for a while.
6. I miss certain people in my life and wish they'd be around more.
7. But I also understand they have their own lives to live so I get over it.
8. Mum and Dad are really the best parents I could ask for despite their insanity on some days.
9. August is a whole new 2nd half to the year so it better bring more joy than sorrow.
10. It's perhaps best to not feel too involved in things today for the sake of not getting hurt tomorrow.
11. 

Just come back to me.

Where's my Love Actually moment? Really.

Watched What Dreams May Come today and by the end of it, I was crying so bad.



"Chris Neilson dies to find himself in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of. There is one thing missing: his wife. After he dies, his wife, Annie killed herself and went to hell. Chris decides to risk eternity in Hades (hell) for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven."

It's a very unlikely movie for Robin Williams to be in; but I highly recommend it. It really moved me and I wish I could just watch it one more time. Might get the emotions beat out of me. What people will do for the people they love. Stupidity or devotion? I don't know.

Mum and Dad, I really don't know what you want from me anymore. When I'm around, I'm blamed for things. When I'm not around, I get yelled at. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?! I cannot take this anymore. I can't even stay in my own room before you tell me off for locking myself up all day.


I think I should say this one day to you. But ...



Everything is just so messed up right now. It'll calm down in an hour but for now, it's intense and painful. Why do they have to react in such a way to me? I wanna leave but I can't even do that!

Girls day out with Kinna today :D
There's so much we need to catch up on since I won't be moving into Cyber for some time now.
Money's such an issue these days. Why? Mainly cause I have none. LOL. Wherever I go, I'm always concerned about my cash issues because I seem to be spending a whole lot more these days and not bothering about my INcome. Tch, to being uber lazy.

KG arrived from London yesterday and we're gonna meet up soon so that's something interesting to wait for :)