It's gonna be a great day. Keep telling myself that. :)
p.s lovely song by Mika. Called Rain. His songs make me happy no matter what.

Gonna head off to uni and then meet up with Kinna/Farid/Esfand/Zain/Mohsin/Adeel and go to a costume shop with them. Then come home and chillax for a while then go back to uni again with Nisha/Kiran/Luke for the Trick or Treat party. Booyeahkasha! Costume is hinted in this entry :D

I'm beginning to wonder, is it really worth it? My head hurts from all the thinking. And my only way to deal with this is to ... do nothing.

But anyway, I went shopping with Anne today for some outfits for Halloween. The whole great thing about being hippie is that loads of people dress that way anyway these days so it'd be really easy for me to just keep wearing my stuff even after Halloween. I got 2 tops from Reject Shop and a pair of Gladiators from Summit. Hoo hoo! I hardly get to buy clothes so ... I'm going out on a limb here and treating myself. Plus I fit into MEDIUMS now! Like holy shit. I used to just stuff my fats into L's and XL's. Finally slipping into M's is like ... on the way to heaven. Once I can get into a S, heaven indeed.

Stupid parking incident occurred at uni today. I was parked at the gravel parking outside uni. When I left campus with Anne to go to Subang, I found my car blocked on ALL four sides. Whoever parked in front or behind my car last was a downright dumb ass. I didn't have the guts to squeeze through so I called for some assistance from Ashhad. Thank God he seems to know his way about maneuvering the Kelisa.

Might head into Damansara with Farid and Javid tomorrow. Maybe. I'm too lazy to drive though :(

Hmm. I'd go gay for her. In an odd way. But she's gorgeous ... in an odd way.

via tigerlilylily

It may be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do ... which is why I'm delaying it as much as I can. Finally putting the pen on the paper and dragging it across the surface to form words. It's not how the words are made but what words are made. But, it's probably the best for me right now. I'm sorry if I offend you or hurt you but I need to start looking out for myself now. I can't keep worrying about things which don't concern me anymore because it does not help in any way and because of that, I can't concentrate on work and my mind is consumed by other problems.

It's a new week, I should start it on my terms at least.

Photoshop / 45mins / Thinking time: ALL NIGHT.
Notes: This is ridiculous. Image credits here. I officially HATE Copywriting. I'll go hate CAD later.

Let's get a little materialistic now. I'm looking around malls/sites and I am wanting these:


A DKNY fine cashmere sweater (for when I wanna go into KL and sweat to death)


A photo wall. Be it polaroid or just prints.


This nifty sideboard by The Drift


Possibly start a gym membership soon :(


A trip to Santorini Island, Greece. I'll never get this I guess but I'll always want it.


To able to make beautiful art. By Minjae Lee


A nicer looking room. (the studio of Andrew and Amy Bannecker)

OK, the rest are all clothes. (SURPRISE) So ... brace yourselves.









Elizabeth & James Double Layer Cardigan
Splendid Pocket Cardigan - Charcoal
Nightcap Clothing Geisha Wrap - Black
291 Embellished Peace Tee – Asphalt
LnA Long Sleeve Side Tail Tee - Black
American Vintage Long Sleeve Raglan Tee
Sam Edelman “Greco” Gladiator Sandal – Black
- madisons

notice the severe lack of colour?

So yeah, that's what I want this month. Out of all that I'll probably be able to get one item.

One of the most beautiful songs ever composed/performed ever. You really can't deny it. Celine & Andrea are fantastic. These sort of songs stick with you forever. I remember listening to this since I was too young to bother. Forget the remakes and stuff. The original > them all.

Went to the market yesterday. I haven't stepped foot into this place for many months now. Especially the Pasar Tani side of it. I figured, what the heck. Let's go have some fun today by going out to the market. Might not sound too fun to the average person I suppose but it's these small things about life which intrigue me at best.













It's still a little awkward, walking around Sri Muda market with a camera in hand. I'd only do it with company. Never alone as it's not a real safe place around here these days sadly. Having breakfast at the coffee shop was the icing on the cake. I really will miss this when I leave to Australia for good. I'll miss hanging out with Mum and Dad (and Michelle lah) as well. I don't know how people cope with it really. It's not like I haven't been away from them before ... it's just that finality of not being able to see them once you board that plane and leave. It's not like you can just say "OK, I'm going home to see Ma and Pa." You'll just have to swallow the bitter pill and just go with it. As time passes by, I suppose things get better we all learn to accept it eventually.


(well ... only you're not 21 this time)

Anyway ... today is Dad's 51st. He just got home from work so we're letting him sleep in for a while before we go out for Secret Recipe later. OHNOES cakes! Damn. Must go for a LONG jog first.

I want to go into KL one day. No, one evening. And just take pictures of everything I see. I want to finally experience what it feels like to go out without a curfew. Not that I'm going to involve myself in something shady, I just need that freedom again which I haven't felt since I left Cyberia a year ago. I want to be able to say, alright. I'm going for a walk now and walk out whenever I feel like it. Come back whenever I feel like it. I'm tired of doing what people tell me to do. I just want that whole week to myself. I want to wake up when I feel like it and go to bed when I do.

Better yet, I want people who seem to have left my life to come back. I want to sit down with them and talk with them. Ask them how has life been since we parted and how we've changed. We'll catch up and I'll give them all hugs and we'll go our own ways again. I want to know that people who tell me "I will be here whenever you need me" actually mean it and when I need them, they will be there. I have unrealistic expectations sometimes but it's just how I feel. I am the kind of person, who will get up at any phone call for help and rush to their side no matter where I am. All they have to do is ask. (with some exceptions like I'm not in the country lah)

Most of all, all I want I ONE thing which no one can give me now. Which is why I don't bother asking for it. It's nothing materialistic. It's not even an object. It doesn't cost a single cent but it means more to me than anything else in the world. In any case, I just want this one thing which is eluding me and so many of us in our lives. I thought I had it at one point but upon further inspection ... I never did. So, when people ask me "what do you want?" ... it's always "nothing you can give me." Because no one ever can. The one person who could has since then diluted themselves in my mind. That was the only person who could have given me all I needed. Sadly, that time has come and gone.

What I want more than anything else now is peace of mind. I need to lie down at night and say to myself, alright ... enough is enough and drift into a dreamless sleep. Or I don't know, perhaps if I dream of you today, it'll help me to get through tomorrow.

I'm sorry,
Its all that you can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like sorry
Forgive me,
Is all that you can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like forgive me
Forgive me.

But you can say, baby
Baby can I hold you tonight?
Baby, if I told you the right words
Oooh, at the right time
You'll be mine

I love you
Is all that you can say
Years gone by and still
Words don't come easily
Like I love you, I love you..

But you can say, baby
Baby can I hold you tonight?
Baby, if I told you the right words
Oooh, at the right time
You'll be mine

(baby can I hold you...)
But you can say, baby
Baby can I hold you tonight?
Baby, if I told you the right words
Oooh, at the right time
You'll be mine

I seriously miss these guys. It's cheesy stuff, but sometimes cheese is fun. Especially on pizza. (unrelated yes) I need some cheesy in my depressing life now.

Concentrating less and less on work these days. It's frustrating and deeply worrying. My mind isn't in it's right place and my concentration is wandering to other activities and problems that university work has taken a backseat. I hardly find the appeal in doing anything university related anymore and the stupid thing about it is, I don't care. I would rather be out walking/jogging, sketching my own little doodles, writing personal pieces, blogging than sitting down and sketching out ideas for Creative Advert. Design class.

I feel deeply lost and without a want to turn to anyone for help. I don't want to be called weak and helpless. I don't want to be judged. It's so difficult to find someone to turn to at this moment because, I don't know who to turn to. I am looking into a sea of faces which are all swirling around and I cannot really make out a clear face to call out to. I want to reach out and cry for help but at the same time, I want to prove to people that I can dig myself out of this rut and that I can pick myself up and walk away from this moment with a smile on my face. Right now, I am still sitting in the mud puddle, slowly sinking.

I don't know what it is which I need that will save me. Is it a friend? concerned family member? more time alone? Divine intervention? I don't know. I need to find an absolution soon before I go completely off my rocker. I don't know who to trust to be honest. I really don't. Who really is sincere now? No one but myself? I am lost & slowly descending into a slow spiral of insanity.

Upon observing the lives of many students who reside in Cyberia, it can be said that if you surround yourself with a certain crowd, you’ll get just the drama you seek. There are so many different cultures you get to choose to involve yourself in. Comparable to fast food restaurant with a wide variety of choices of meals laid out before you to just take your pick, many faces and names greet you as you enter this world which seems to exist on its own and at some point may even deserve to be declared a country by itself. When someone begins their life in Cyberia, a large pendulum is in motion and your story begins. You get your first rumour started about you within a week of moving in and before you know it, you’re stared at just by walking from your home to the bus stop. It’s intimidating to the untrained mind and can get somewhat irritating after a while. The whispers of their words linger in your mind during the quiet moments of the night when you are left alone with your own thoughts.

You can either choose to ignore them or take it personally. The people who surround you can either support you or tear your down from the words spoken about you.. It has to be said that not everyone is a nice person here. There are many different personality types floating about and it is sometimes very easy to notice one from the other. There are those who choose to be antisocial and stay indoors most of their days, then there are those who live life outside their homes and are wanting to be ‘seen and heard’, and some people personify a mixture of both these personalities: seen out and about but keep their opinions to themselves; also known as silent killers. It depends on whether or not the intentions of these people are malicious or they genuinely care. The truth about it all is, there isn’t many a trustworthy person lingering about Cyberia. Most of the time, there is always a hidden agenda behind every request or favour. As much as we’d like to believe that there are good people around us, that probability lessens with each passing day.

Racists, users, hypocrites, schemers and bad influences. They all lurk around the corners of this diverse area just waiting to pounce on their next target. You needn’t be weak or financially unstable to feel this around you. Sometimes, the worst sting may come from someone you regard as a close friend and someone you really trust. This flaw in the system keeps everyone on their toes unless gullible enough to fall for this possible web of lies. Those who are seemingly nice may turn on you should they discover you have something of great desire to them and it is amusing sometimes to see how far one is willing to go just to get anything they want; even at the expense of hurting others in the process. Persistence and careful planning is put into this whole practice. It starts off as a simple lie which then grows into a monster which consumes the mind whole and eats away at your thoughts. It causes so much stress and heartache to the point of pure anger, hatred, confusion and worst of all: helplessness. This is because some people simply cannot handle the simple truth that they cannot get everything they want, and because things are like this, they are willing to do almost whatever it takes to get ahead.

There are also some who appear in your life only when it is convenient for them. They are the ones who knock at your door at odd hours of the morning, with a fake smile plastered onto their faces just waiting for that very question of “is everything alright?” It is then, when they begin the (sometimes) slow process of asking for something from you. It comes down to if you are a person who can say no to their requests. The funny thing about it is, you often wonder where these people were when you were in need and required assistance yourself. They’re usually around when everything is running smoothly because there isn’t a commitment to anything. However, once the moment turns sour they are nowhere to be found. It’s difficult to work your way around these people because you don’t really know how to go about rejecting their requests when they start bringing up moments of which you have all shared as a group of “friends” and should always be around for each other which then usually puts you in a spot of making a decision.

People have their own ways of affecting a person’s psyche. Psychological warfares are a dime a dozen in today’s world. The financially unstable feel the pressure to live up to their peers expectations simply for the idea of acceptance. As a student, acceptance is such a vital need that sometimes the pursuit of being acknowledged drives a person to the point of madness. Those who are more well off pull their financially unsound friends into a world where money is not only the currency, but also the language of which they speak. It is the blood which runs through their veins and the very air they breathe. Money. Because of the overflow of wealth in this community, those who try to live up to the expectations of others are the first to fall when the plan changes. If you’re not able to play their game of currency, the game of the mind begins. Taunts, persuasions, razzes and mocks are thrown at the alleged “poorer” friend who cannot step up to the plate when they simply cannot deliver.

Full essay available ... elsewhere. LOL.
Note: the idea for this does not belong to me. I'm merely illustrating ideas on paper.

Something's coming up. I'm working on it. It'll turn heads and eyes will roll. But here's all I can say to you. SCREW WHAT YOU THINK. This is my blog. :)

(watch this space)

Boyzone singer Stephen Gately, has died at the of age 33.

The Irish pop singer and writer appeared on the West End stage as 'Joseph' in "Joseph and the Amazing Technocolor Dreamcoat" at the New London Theatre in 2003, and the Child Catcher in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" at the London Palladium in 2004.

It is reported that Stephen Gately had been on holiday with his long-term partner Andy Cowles when he died on Saturday.

The News of the World's showbusiness editor Dan Wootton told BBC News Gately had gone out for drinks, returned to his accommodation and gone to sleep, but never woke up.

source

Damn this Mamma Mia soundtrack (esp Lay All Your Love On Me). I told myself I wouldn't get into the hype of this silly movie. In fact, I didn't. The hype has since then died down from last year but HBO have been playing this movie like some kind of marathon and it's such a hard thing to say no and switch channels :( Voulezzz vouuussss ... how crap! I just found out Amanda Seyfried was Karen in Mean Girls. HAHA! The things you learn everyday

People do love to talk sometimes. I found out some pretty unsettling stuff from Mum yesterday. A few things in fact. I now understand why it's better to just keep things to yourself than discuss them with the people who you think you trust. There's absolutely no point to it. It does nothing but create images and scenarios in your head which may or may not be true but you have to just give that reason the benefit of the doubt. I'm better off not knowing sometimes. I guess it's some form of hypocrisy coming from me. You don't know how it feels like till it happens to you. So, consider it a lesson learned the hard way. Rest assured, my opinions will be kept to the private pages of my own mind now. No one needs to know. It's all poison. From both sides of the story.

Another thing which strikes a feeling in me which is comparable to that line "getting the rug yanked from beneath your feet" is how ungrateful some people are when you try to do your best to help them. Your intentions are good and you also involve other parties in this favour you're supposed to be performing. And yet when you hear about the feedback, it's nothing but negativity. People have taken their time to help you out and do things for you but all you can say about it is some random shit. Ungrateful bitches. What I really hate the most about this situation is that they had to hurt Mum while they were at it. My respect for you = -50 now.

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me you'll wait for me.
hold me like you'll never let me go.
cause i'm leaving on a jet plane.
i don't know when i'll be back again.

i hate myself. im pathetic and a pushover. im weak and have no real identity of my own. im in so much pain but you couldn't give a shit. i wish i knew why.

but please ...



No love,
Alison

- absolutte

Monday approaches and once again, I gotta wake up from the dream state of my consciousness and DRAG myself back to Cyberjaya. Work remains incomplete, gas in my car remains ... half full and the tires need to be filled too. Ugh, the subtle reminders of a new week.

The Samsung competition thing isn't helping either. They require 8 of us to design a corporate folder for them and the prize money is RM5k (which will be split 4 ways if either of my homies win). Usually, I'd jump at a chance to freelance like this but it's come at SUCH a bad time, I coudn't be any less bothered to start designing anything. Suppose this can't be a good thing if one decides to pursuit a career in advertising. Bleh. "Nevermind lah. Sure can wan!"

2 Radio ads to come up with, 2 Telly ads to brainstorm about, 1 Copy ad to conjure. GOOD LORD WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE?

Decided to do some minor cleaning of the living room shelf. Since it's covered/filled with junk from a million years ago. 'Giant' plastic bag being the start of the process. Note that the pink box in the shelf doesn't actually go there. Mum just needed a place to store her sewing for the day. Usually it's empty. But it's all good!



Oh i feel so much better now. LOL. Spot the hiding doggie :)

Will be going to PJ in a bit for some ... light shopping at Amcorp Mall. Flea market on weekends after all. Sadly I really don't have the mood to be doing any shopping right now. My left ear's infected and it's killing me with so much intense pain. I can't remove the earring as it's practically LODGED in my ear. I've been trying to yank it out all morning to no avail. All the blood :( So painful.

In other news, went to Pyramid with Kavi and Nisha last night to meet up with some people from uni for the first time. It was good fun. Too bad we couldn't stay long. People had clubs to visit and I had a home to go back to :)

(credit goes to Luke)

I'm so tempted to start writing again. About nothing in particular. Just writing for leisure (everytime I mention 'leisure' I picture Eddie Izzard saying 'liesureayah'). It gives me such a release from all my stress whenever I don't feel like walking it off. Writing allows me the creative freedom to express whatever problem/issue I have in my head anyway so I suppose that's a plus point. Now if only I could get paid for it ... hmm. LOL

I think I'm most gratified when I find out my writing impacts the lives of people. Particularly those closest to me. That satisfying feeling of having someone you know read what you have written and then have them sit down, think and thank you for touching them in ways that you never thought possible makes me happy. I don't write about things which are controversial, spiteful or political. In fact, I'm a really uninteresting writer. But when I write about something, I put a lot of heart into it which is what I suppose makes it a little more meaningful than trying to rant about something I couldn't care less about.

My writing isn't about being word-articulate. Nothing bombastic. It's simple and direct. Just like how I talk to people. Occasionally, I have the tendency to rant on ... but oh well, I love to follow train of thoughts when I get the chance. It's better than hitting a snag and then spiraling down a writers block anyway. :)

Tapi malu lah, wanna write professionally. Perhaps one day. LOL.

Was listening to Baby Can I Hold You yesterday. It's been a while since I've heard anything from Boyzone. I miss them badly. Mum pimped me to a new song by them called Better. What I love about it is that they allowed Stephen Gately to have a male partner in the video. Freedom of expression ftw.

Will be attending this today:
Studylink Australia Education Fair 2009 – Subang Jaya
Date: Friday, 2 October 2009
Time: 12noon - 6pm
Venue: Sheraton Hotel Subang Jaya

Mainly because as time goes by, I'm beginning to doubt myself now on if or not I can even make it to Australia by the end of next year. Everything needs to take a backseat now and I need to put education as #1 in my priorities.