Now I know what it feels like to be in limbo. With nothing really going for you and nothing really working out. It's not like you're going to die or something but you do feel an intense nothingness. I want to get out there and do something with my life and yet again, I don't want to. I want to fade away and disappear into vast empty space. Not possible though, that's not how life was designed to go for people. You need to work at something to gain something. Leave people alone. They don't want to be near you right now. They have their own things to do and frankly, so should you. Get off your butt, go do something. Be productive. DO SOMETHING.

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
No. Yes, maybe.

Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
Sure, my sisters such fun to peck.

Who was the last person to call you?
A friend.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Water.

When is the last time you cried?
This evening.

Are you scared of spiders?
Nope. Well, it depends on how large/close they are.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes.

What are your plans for this weekend?
I don't know. Get a fucking job.

Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
Uhm, not actually swim. Just paddle.

Last person you drove with in a car?
Myself only.

What did you last buy?
Lunch.

What’s irritating you right now?
My life.

What radio stations do you listen to?
Hitz.

Are you afraid of the dark?
Yes, sometimes.

Are you listening to music right now?
No. Dad's got the TV on

Do you like Chinese food?
Sure.

Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
No. People leave for reasons.

Do you get distracted easily?
Sometimes. More than not.

First time you kissed the last person you kissed?
Uh, I don't know. When she was BORN?

Was this the best year of your life?
No. Fuck 2011.

Who are your best friends?
Don't believe in them.

Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Neither.

Are you jealous of someone?
Natalie Portman.

What last made you laugh the hardest?
Hmm. I don't remember. I don't laugh much anymore.

Do you flirt a lot?
No. Fuck that shit now.

Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yeah, if I'm comfortable enough.

Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
Of course. Horrid dreams.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Mom.

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yeah. Wasn't that fun but it was still thrilling.

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yep.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Yep.

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
I'm a horrible GF and I know it.

Have you ever dated Someone Older Than You?
of course.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I don't know. Maybe not.

Believe in love at first sight?
No. Fuck that shit.

Life's just a blank canvas now. I don't know what to paint on it. I don't know what colours to choose and where to paint them. Maybe it will remain blank for a while. It's pretty calming for now to just be ... blank.

Aside from the fact my wallet is blank too :)

Oh sure, call me whatever you want. I’m wild, crazy, lying, insecure … whatever. I know what I stand for. I know who I am. I know what I’m capable of. I know my limits and I know how to take care of myself. If I slip up along the way, it’s my fault. I get it. No one needs to roll their eyes at me. If someone wants to talk smack about me, go right ahead. I bring it upon myself anyway for trying to let people see that I’m not just another face in this fucked up world.

I know my own dignity and how to look after it. It’s not a problem for me anymore. I’m growing up. I’ll deal with it. I’ll be myself and I’ll love myself for it. I’ll listen, learn and move with the flow. I’ll be OK. No one needs to worry about me.

I'm fucking insane for being shitfaced. I'm so in the mood to give up and throw my hands in the air and just say "white flag" to life. I'm done with it. I can't get anywhere or do anything right. It's messing with my head/judgment and ... yeah. Just, messed up.

Are you currently fighting with someone?
Nope. Not today.

Who/What would you like to see right now?
A good friend.

Are you mad at someone right now?
Myself mainly.

What’s the nicest text in your inbox say?
I've deleted everything in my inbox actually.

Is there an empty place in your heart?
Maybe.

Do you count down the days till anything?
Sometimes. But I can't be bothered anymore.

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
I don't know. I just float through life now.

Have you ever been called a tease?
Nah, maybe. Don't remember.

What is the farthest you’ve traveled with a friend?
Australia with Anne.

Are any of your friends so close that you consider them family?
They know who they are.

Anyone told you a secret this week?
Maybe ;)

Last time you wore the opposite sex’s clothing?
I am right now.

What do you want in your life right now?
Peace.

When was the last time you laughed so hard you thought you were going to cry?
Some months back.

Did you tell someone something today?
:)

I wanna go forth. Go away. Go somewhere. Just go. I'm alone and love it like this. I wanna move with myself and flow with it. It makes no sense now but it means the world to me. The sharp pain of words stabbing at my sides like little sharp daggers digging into the flesh. I wanna run away into the distance. Sit in an empty field with the gentle breeze. Maybe I'll get the opportunity one day. But for now, I remain stuck.

So enough for today.

Here's a lesson you need to learn.



Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

Watched a movie called Sublime today. It was so confusing because I didn't watch from the beginning.

"Admitted to Mt. Abaddon Hospital for a routine procedure, George Grieves discovers that his condition is much more serious and complicated than originally expected; and as his own fears begin to manifest around him, he learns that Mt. Abaddon is not a place where people come to get better... it is a place where people come to die." - imbd.

It was a very ... screwy movie. I felt so empty after watching it. Haha. It's a 'dark psychological piece'. It didn't feel like a horror movie. Just moved very slowly and it toyed with the viewers minds. Although in the ending I was like "WTF" but it was a smart ending I guess. It left me unhappy but satisfied. It also mentions loads of current issues the common person goes through: poor health care in USA, racism, infidelity and whatnot. It got some really good reviews and some really bad ones. Considered to be a failed experiment by Warner Bros for a horror movie. *shrugs*. But yes, if you expect hack and gore (as the cover may suggest), it's not at all like that. It's slow and mind screwing lol

I'm just. Done. My mind is so empty. My eyes are bloodshot. My coughing worse than ever. Not at ease. I wanna walk out. Walk out of life. Move on. Carry myself to another level. Let go. Forget. Freeze. Remember how I loved so much. Then I started to forget. I forgot how to love. It's a ridiculous feeling. It's a common human condition. To love. Right? Perhaps not. If someone pushes you so far to the edge, you may forget who you were in the first place. Is it their fault? I don't think so. Only you allow yourself to be pushed into a corner. Be brave girl, stand up for what you believe in. Even if people tell you otherwise. If your own heart tells you otherwise.



Take a listen. It's a song called Chori Chori by Meesha Shafi. Totally chilled out and just beautiful to fall asleep/walk about the neighbourhood to. I think I've zoned out to this song about 10 times today. I'm just so tired to think. Best way to get out of the zone is to get into it, through music. Of course another tune I'd zone out to is Is it Love by the ever-awesome Nadia Ali. Wouldn't life be so different if ...

Applied for another 4 jobs. I can't keep doing this. I'm getting tired. This is ridiculous.

What happens when you find out almost everything you knew about a person was a complete lie? When you gave your all to find out everything was an illusion? When you loved so passionately to find out your heart belonged to someone who didn't return it, but threw it away. When you know that you cannot feel the same anymore. And you know that you wanted the best for this person. Hell, you wanted the best with this person. You thought this person was everything. They know all, see all, feel all and care the most. And then you find out you're wrong. You're merely a notch in a long pole. Waiting in line for your turn. Unaware that your emotions and feelings were just laughed and toyed with.

In any case, when something doesn't work out, it just doesn't. Full stop. I had hopes.

I wanna change myself now. I don't like how I am anymore. I wanna mature into a person who takes no bull and gives no bull. It won't happen overnight. I know it'll be a hard process too. To grow into someone who I generally would hate in my life now. You know ... quiet, unconcerned (or so they seem) and just chilled. And all that jazz. I'm tired of being so into everything. When nothing goes for me, I don't wanna bother getting too attached to shit anymore. I'm just gonna keep to myself ... it doesn't pay off to be so attached. If I show up, I show up. If I don't, I got my reasons. So the learning process starts.

1. Do you like blue cheese?
God, No. Tried it in Melbourne and NEVER AGAIN!

2. Have you ever smoked?
No. Only Shisha.

3. Do you own a gun?
Nope. Wish I did sometimes.

4. What is your favourite cordial flavour?
Orange. That's about all I'll tolerate.

5. Do you get nervous before Doctor appointments?
Sometimes. It depends on what kind of appointment it's for.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Yum?

7. Favourite Christmas moive?
The Grinch I should think. Does Love Actually count?

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water or Apple juice/Peach tea.

9. Do you do push-ups?
Badly.

10.What’s you favourite piece of jewellery?
My Own necklace from Ziad.

11. Favourite hobby?
Listening to Music/Photoshopping.

12. Do you have A.D.D?
Nope. I wish I did too. No, seriously. I over think. It would be nice to have a little bit of a release.

13. What’s the one thing you hate about yourself?
My ... emotions. I wish I could get rid of them.

14. Middle name?
Don't have one.

15.Name three thoughts at this exact moment?
a. I wanna get out of the house.
b. I want to Shisha.
c. I want more money to leave the country.

16.Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Ice-Barley / Ice-Tea / Water. How lame am I? LOL

17. Current worry?
Financial woes. No job, no cash.

18. Current hate right now?
Myself.

19. Favourite place to be?
Home. Far away from everyone.

20.How do you ring in the new year?
Sleeping. I can't be bothered.

21.Where would you like to go?
Greece.

22.Name three people who will complete this?
Don't give a crap.

23.Do you own slipper?
No?

24. What colour shirt are you wearing right now?
White/Black

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Uh, can't say I've done that too much in life. So I don't have a strong opinion on it.

26. Can you whistle?
Yes. Quite well in fact.

27. Favourite Colour?
Black

28. Would you be a pirate?
Nah, not my kind of life. LOL.

29.What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't remember anymore. And I don't anymore either.

30.Favouite girls name?
Adrienne.

31. Favourite boys name?
Suhail. ... what?

Something really haunts me about this tune. This version is pretty awesome too.

I love this song. Take a listen if you can.

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID
1. I love being childish every once in a while. Stupid jokes, laughing for fun, giggling etc.
2. Animated movies are still good.
3. I love being carefree.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD
1. I need a job.
2. I've graduated University.
3. I'm considering moving out soon.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO
1. Get a job.
2. Move out.
3. Achieve success in all my desires.

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “BOY”
1. I hate pink.
2. Pants > Skirts any day.
3. I think girls are gross. LOL!

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “GIRL”
1. I love make up/accessories.
2. I am looks conscious.
3. I get offended by some stuff I hear about myself? I dunno!

THREE NEW THINGS I WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. Losing more weight to be able to do more sports?
2. GETTING A JOB/MONEY!?
3. Dying my hair a lighter shade of brown. Hmm.

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF
1. My eyes.
2. My ... sense of humour?
3. My taste in music.

THREE THINGS I STRONGLY DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF
1. My inability to say "no"
2. The fact I'm a sore loser.
3. I have to get almost everything my way.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. Paranormal activity. BRRR!
2. Everything does actually.
3. Next question thanks.

THREE OF MY EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. Water
2. Shower
3. Cellphone

THREE CHARACTERISTICS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX (OR SAME) THAT APPEAL TO ME
1. I love men who are articulate.
2. Hygienic.
3. And smell good. LOL. Meaning, Agua Di Gio or Dunhill Desire.

THREE THINGS I JUST CAN’T DO
1. Let go.
2. Grow Up.
3. Get over it

(these are all from what people have said to me LOL)

THREE CAREERS I’M CONSIDERING
1. Designer.
2. Decorator.
3. Bum. Which probably is the best. Mmm.