What I want more than anything else now is peace of mind. I need to lie down at night and say to myself, alright ... enough is enough and drift into a dreamless sleep. Or I don't know, perhaps if I dream of you today, it'll help me to get through tomorrow.

via

Mmm, damn I miss eating these. We had some in Australia in abundance due to my aunts neighbours tree which was overbearing with fruit. All we had to do was stand in the backyard and wait for them to fall. Lulz. August is rolling in, Spring will be here any time now.



Classes officially start tomorrow (actually, today) and I have no idea when or what my first class is. Uni decided to be a jackass and not release our timetable till Monday/today. And so I don't even know if it's in the afternoon or morning and I could be wasting my entire day away there. How useless.

Sad thing is, on the eve of my return to uni, my body decides to play a cruel prank and fall sick. I'm suffering a rather harsh cough and sorethroat and all I can hope out of it is that I gain an awesome deep scratchy voice ... because it sounds smexy. LOL. But really though, I really feel the need to get myself a mask for classes. I don't want to get any sicker and I don't wanna spread what I have too.

Another shitty thing is that my gag reflex has been on the fritz as of late. I occasionally feel the need to hurl and when in public, perhaps not a good feeling to go through. I blame the damn cough. Lovely timing la Alison.



Random. Just felt like it. Hallo baby me!

Because some things I'll never learn.

(via chrryblssmninja)

1. Went to uni to register for my new semester. When the lady at the registry asked if I was in "Year 2, semester 2." I was literally speechless. I cannot believe it's been that long. I simply nodded and walked off slighty shocked.
2. Drove down to Alamanda with Kinna, Sami, Mariah, Naz, Edmund and Anne. Had Maccas for lunch (thanks Anne) and Big Apple/Starbucks for dessert. :D
3. Drove back to Cyber and watched half an hour of Chocolat at Kinnas.
4. Chilled at home for a bit.
5. Went for a walk/dinner with Nisha
6. Wondered about certain things about someone.
7. Decided to get a bottle of Absolut come September for no purpose at all.
8. Came home and got killed by millions of mosquitoes.
9. Watched porn for an hour.

Ok that last one was a lie. It was a pretty slow day though eventful. Loved it from start till end. Uni however can go shove itself because you'd think after MANY years of learning from their mistakes made on registration day, it would seem that it can ONLY get worse. They've degraded from the Hall of Fame to the Plaza to the Courtyards. They supposed the whole FDI faculty could fit into a single courtyard. Oh yeah, the bursary was moved to the old Art Shop location. Lovely. I love how much we fork out for such service. Nice. Cbb I guess. Class starts on Monday. Oh yeah, we didn't even get our timetables because the staff are still shuffling it around deciding on how to place the subjects. You only had like 2 months to do so? I <3 LKW!

So don't try to change me :D

via

Just do something random and spontaneous. Be nicer. Know who you're talking to, don't fucking push me aside and TREAT ME BETTER!

Time really just flies by when you're having a real blast or are occupied with something interesting. How is it that it slows down tremendously when you're idle and rather put out? It's as if the human psyche has the ability to just reach out and push the minute hand back a little further should it decide to speed up.

I think my parentals are on the brink of telling me I've been disappearing a lot these days (when really, I'll only be gone for about 6 hours.) and coming home really late. I do appreciate they allow me the freedom to go out with friends and hang out but when they leave me comments which make me feel so guilty each time I leave the house, it's hardly worth the trip anymore to be honest. I'll be sitting with a bunch of people when my phone starts going off with texts of the Who's Why's When's and Where's. After I told them all of those details before I left, they still find the need to ask me again. I don't understand.

I don't think it'll ever change the moment I hit 21 either. Everyone tells me "hey once you turn 21, your folks won't stop you or anything." I beg to differ. I doubt things will be any different unless someone confronts the other on this matter soon. The thing is, I'm not asking to come home at 4AM and stumble in the door drunk with a ciggy in my mouth or anything. I just need the freedom to not have to ASK permission every time I go somewhere. I need the freedom to just say I'm going somewhere and I might be back a little depending on the situation. I'm honestly not out there partying my face off or anything (if you know me well you'll definitely know this) and whatnot. I'd just like to hang out with my friends a little later than the usual Cinderella time frame of midnight. Not only that but God forbid I'm home half an hour later than I said I'd be, everyone throws a fit and then get all pissy at me.

I wonder if they remember I used to live out on my own for a whole year without any parental supervision and I didn't die as you might have noticed. Why do they freak their pants off now? If they had gone bonkers while I was away, I'd have understood but I don't get their issue now. *sighs* Well, perhaps I'm not meant to. Parents have their own level of thinking. One probably cannot understand their logic until one becomes a parent themselves.

I don't have any problems with them not telling me to not go out but when they give me stupid reasons not to, it pisses me off.



1. You've been going out everyday lately = I've only gone out 3 out of 7 days in a week.
2. You're always out so late every time = I'm always home by 12 or half past at most.
3. You and your friends are probably out drinking or something = PLEASE, give me a breathalyzer test every time I come home. Please.
4. You smell like an ashtray, have you been smoking? = I happen to go to a uni where almost everyone and their aunts smoke. Not to mention I visit homes of friends who smoke. Doesn't make me a smoker.
5. I called you 3 times and you didn't answer me. Don't be pissed cause you can't go out = I had my headphones on and I couldn't hear you. What the hell?

I'll never understand.

Mum and Dad, I really don't know what you want from me anymore. When I'm around, I'm blamed for things. When I'm not around, I get yelled at. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?! I cannot take this anymore. I can't even stay in my own room before you tell me off for locking myself up all day.


I think I should say this one day to you. But ...



Everything is just so messed up right now. It'll calm down in an hour but for now, it's intense and painful. Why do they have to react in such a way to me? I wanna leave but I can't even do that!

How do you go out for a night of fun, only to come back feeling like uber shit?
That is some messed up shit.

x


x


(ah shit.)




















:(






(probably the one that hit me the most)

the rest are from i can read

Sir, kalau buat conceptual book cam ni boleh tak? :D
(not that I want to lah. That's suicide)

I thought I felt hopeless about my assignments before. Doesn't compare to what I feel now. :(

Just had the longest day ever. It literally feels like I've just lived two days in a day. So I'll just summarise it for my own and your sanity

1. Woke up at 5AM to go to Cyberjaya (Kinna's house) with Dad.
2. Went to uni at 8AM for the bus to Mr.Lawrence's funeral.
3. Cried like a baby while I placed a single white rose on his coffin. He looked so peaceful.
4. Listened to his brothers eulogy and cried more.
5. Got to shake hands and speak to his family members :(
   
6. Stood with my fellow classmates+other students outside the crematorium with balloons in our hands and released them to the sky. I got a red one.
7. Went back to Uni and had lunch at Cyberia with Kinna, Mariah and Naz.
8. Came home with Dad.
9. Got ready for the Bangladeshi New Year event.
10. Picked Nisha up and left for uni.
11. Met Bushan and Zhi Wei (sorry if I spelled your name wrong) and sat back for the show.
12. Had supper at Saba'
    
13. Came home.

I really don't know how to put into words how today was like. I experienced so many new things and hung out with the best people I can think of. I've never felt such highs and lows in a single day. My limbs are aching and my eyes are swollen. I felt guilty about attending a party after the funeral but I would have felt worse if I had skipped either. I'm so glad I did what I did today :D

Also, something to ponder about. When you're close to someone. No matter what your relationship is with them, does it give you the right and power to put words in their mouth to your advantage? A friendly favour? Or spineless cowardice? You tell me.

source

Though I cannot stay angry at you for a long time and will eventually laugh this off, I have never felt more alone in my life knowing that even a perfect stranger can be closer to me than my own friend.

Might I say WOT?! What records and photos? Why does it have to happen on the only day I'm NOT in uni? This is crap.

I'm sick of not being able to do anything right in my family's eyes. Sick of it.
Can't sit in my room for too long, can't stand the sight of them for more than 15 minutes. Evem when I try to help, I get blamed for things. So why bother? They're all just 'ungrateful bitches' on days like these. I believe I will never truly be happy or content till I live out alone. In my own home and my own things. I'm not wild or uncontrollable but I am also not a servant.

Leaving for Pipit now. Hopefully to come home to a less poisoned environment.

by bintek

As much as I love Typography. I hope I never have this subject again. Sadly we have Typographic Application next semester. *sighs*

Took a slow(ish) drive from Cyberjaya. Saw a rather large accident along the way. Kancil hit into the divider and the entire front of the car was smashed. It was scary cause no one put out any warning cones or anything so people were speeding by and avoiding them at the last moment. That and also you have the usual "lets stop and look" gangs stopping from the other side of the highway to get a glimpse of something. I get you wanna help someone but 'looking isn't helping'. Just hang ten, and just drive away if you don't wanna get involved.

That being said, today was such a long day. I hate Thursdays because of the severity of my day in Uni. Marketing from 9 -11 / NOTHING from 11-4.30 / Typography from 4.30 - 6. DO NOT LIKE. It's alright on some days when I don't mind just hanging around, but some days I get so ... tired of waiting around for classes. So I usually end up hanging out at Kinna's house till class, usually watch a movie while snacking on something and eating Middle Eastern food (Mmm Kabsah). But today was 'Bus Day'. We took a bus from Uni > Cyberia > Uni > Cyberia > Putrajaya Central > Alamanda > Putrajaya Central > Street Mall > Uni. All within 2-4PM. I thought it was really worth it. All for under RM2 >=D

Sat in the plaza for quite a bit today which is something of a dying art. Once you're in the Third Semester onwards, it's rare even step foot in the plaza as it is mainly a place for Pencapubs (inside joke). But yeah OK, I had a whole hour to kill. Might as well. So Kinna and I chatted a little with her sister's friend Amin (is that how you spell it?) who was simply the cutest Middle Easterner I've met. And when I say cute, I mean you wanna just walk up to him and pinch his cheeks and give him a hug. Then we had lunch with Mohammed at Hassan's.


(that is what I need right now - pics by me)

Then Kinna and I went back to her place to cook (meaning she cooked while I watched D:) , then we got Mohammed and Sami to come over and have dinner (which was really good!) and then I had that lonely drive home. When I got home, Rizal texted and I went to have a drink with him at some mamak which has like a HUNDRED types of roti's. God knows I can't remember the name of the place but it was like literally a hundred different names of rotis from the usual roti canai to insane shiz like roti EIFFEL TOWER. Like. Dayum. I might wanna go there again and actually eat something D:

So really, I left the house at 8.40AM and got back at 11.55PM. I AM DEAD TIRED. Tired from assignment panic, tired from life, tired from being out all day and just tired with people. Certain people. Aaand, I miss certain people and wish they'd come back in my life.

Life's been so pathetic these last few days. And though it's nothing hugely crap, it still feels like crap. Almost killed 4 people in my car today while driving from Summit. Ok "kill"'s an overstatement but they could have been hurt. Eventhough they tell me it's not my fault, I know behind my back they're all talking about how careless I was. Friends whom I thought I could count on are basically shit right now. I don't know why I regard them so highly when they constantly let me down again and again. Then I come online, I blog about how shit they are, then they get me to commit to something again, AND THEN let me down all over.

I find out so many things about friends that I should probably have a long time ago and everytime I'm like "Oh I didn't know that ____", the usual response is "Oh. Yeah I didn't think it was important.". Whatever man, you call that friendship? Everyone is drifting apart and it's annoying the hell out of me. I thought it only applied to ex-schoolmates but it apparently does to people I've met online too! Either our lives are seriously that busy or I'm a lousy friend.

Also, I just feel like a third wheel half the time when I'm with people now. I just feel like I interrupt what would be a perfect gathering or meeting. I'm just "that girl who follows the cooler person". Probably I am right or I could be massively paranoid but that's just how I feel right now. Someone that unimportant but evidently always around. Only needed when my "skillz" are required/when there's no one else to talk to.

Family issues are also a nagging factor at the back of my mind. Mum's insane on some days, brilliant on others, Dad's mostly nice when we're with people but when it's just us, he's moody as hell. I'm so sick of being treated unfairly by either parent, the usual response is "I'm so sorry we're making life hell for you. When you're old enough, you can leave." All I asked for was a "It'll be alright." Line from either one of them. I don't care if it's sugar coated, at least it'll make me feel better. What's the use of a parent if you can't even confide in THEM. I might as well go talk to a wall.

So many problems, so little brains/logic to comprehend them. All I can say to myself now is that things will definitely change soon. And no one will dictate how fast that will happen but me. So I'm gonna hold myself to that promise :D

by pressao

Tonight reminded me why I didn't like school. It reminded me why I never get along with certain people. Maybe as individuals but not in a group. I wish I didn't go and I wish I didn't say some things I did and I wish I could take it all back. This isn't something serious, but I just wish I didn't. The only good thing about it was that I got invited to spend a week in India with a friend (although I'm not going) and that someone at the table was concerned about me.

I feel so stupid for behaving the way I did and hated the way I did. But I was that pissed/annoyed so I had to revert to my emo ways. If you're reading this and were present at dinner tonight, I'm sorry I behaved like that and thank you for asking about me :D (cause i know you will read this) and everyone else: bleh.

I'm so glad I'm on a break because had I had class this week, I'd be dead. Really.